|
| I’m sitting here at a Borders in Greensboro NC (sorry Barnes--and edited tonight). On my drive back from Spring Break, I started to ponder. I tried to put some pieces together. I wish to explain…and in doing so you will see why I wish this.
The thing you need to see is what I wish to share….myself. There has been a lot of contributing factors that have led me to where I am, how I act, and respond to different things. I will skip the motivating factors that has produced this note…and just add its been rough.
I have always been an exact person. If someone asked the time, I’d say it exact “1:31.” I’ve explored the avenue of 1:30…but it always ends up in “1:30ish” or “about 1:30” or “a little past 1:30” realm. Anything but truth and honesty always seemed like a lie.
I was raised in a home where truth and honesty was of the utmost. I remember one time when I was in like Middle school (note the “like”); I wanted to put curlers in my hair before going to bed. It was late and mom told me no. She wanted me in bed…lights off. So I did as she wished. I got into bed and turned off the lights...well…the overhead light. I turned on my closet light and cracked the door, so I could put curlers in my hair. I don’t know why I didn’t think my curls would betray me in the morning…all I knew was that I was obeying, but I had to be quiet. Of course my mom came in and I got busted. Instead of her getting upset at me, and demanding me to stop and turn off the light; she did something much more unforgettable. She cried. It’s a painful thing knowing you made your mom cry. She wasn’t crying because she was against curly hair or was that much of a stickler on curfew. She cried because I had deceived and disobeyed. Since then, I have always obeyed and never deceived.
Another facet of where I’m going was contributed by the fact that I grew up with 4 adults in my house, 3 of which were determined that they knew the exact way my brother and I should be raised. All three were loving people; but grandma came from a different generation, the “children are to be seen and not heard” generation. My parents took after the example of Abraham Lincoln’s parents. They allowed Jason and I in the adult conversations. They allowed us to have opinions and to question. Because of this dynamic, (also coming from a house that was supportive and supported by the educational system) I knew that whenever I opened my mouth, it better be founded, provable, logical, and true. Knowledge and consistency was very important. This mixed with my next story will help tie things together.
The winter of my senior year of High School I was on a senior leadership team in my youth group. On a team trip to NY, I received what I think to be one of the best compliments I have ever received. We were waiting to go sight seeing or some event, and a guy from my team looked over at me and said “You know what I like about you Lisa?” I gave the proper response to continue. “You’re not like those other girls, you’re real.” He had bestowed a great honor and responsibility on me. Here was this guy, who although he was also on the leadership team, he wasn’t of the “popular crowd.” He wasn’t the jock or the nerd…or really any other label, but an awesome guy with a good heart, who was my friend. In that moment he told me he saw something genuine, something real. A goal I have striven for ever since.
All of that combined explains a lot about me. I have this desire to be known. To be understood. This aspect of me goes to my core. It may even be the one of the main reasons why I want to be a writer.
I write this so that you, the vague collective of the human race that places allegiance to Internet blogs, may know who I am.
I write this because there are many who have not understood. Many who have even been hurt or at least annoyed by this need to explain myself and this need to be heard. At times I have not held my tongue like I should. At times I have over-explained myself to death in hoping to be understood that I have driven those I care for away. I’m sorry. I write this so that you may know that I know. But I’m now on the quest to figure out how to control this need, and not let it dictate my steps. Its hard, because not being upfront, transparent, and not being honest enough to convey the accurate picture of what is going on behind the curtain…still feels like a lie or at least like I’m trying to hide—which in the past I’ve taken as a form of deception. But I know I must figure this out. It is not my intent to deceive, mislead, play a game, or even not be understood, but it is my intent to be more reserved. This goes against who I have made myself to be, but I have to learn this to keep myself from being hurt by those who can’t handle it and from hurting those I care about. But to you, vague collective, please know that I am going to try.
If you are still reading this thank you for taking the time to get to know me just a little bit more; it means something to me, it means a lot.
| | |
| Hey Everyone,
I’ll come straight to the point then tell ya how I got there. I’m not moving to California. I have been dreaming of getting out to California ever since I first emailed AJ (the pastor) this past March about the internship that was once being offered. When I came out in May for the first official Sunday...I could feel it in the air that something huge and important was getting started...and I wanted to be a part of it! Since May I have been doing everything I could possibly think of to try to get out there...emailing everyone I know out there. Talking to everyone here that I knew was linked to California...and spending lots of time on Craig’s list and Idealist.org trying to make arrangements for the move. Once I got the job transfer with Barnes I set out last week to secure a place to live and then shortly thereafter start my drive to a new life, ministry and circle of friends. After a long week of searching, meeting possible roommates, and after looking at several different places I found something. It was more than I could afford, but my mom said that they’d help me out. I started the preliminary paper-work and felt like I was getting somewhere.
What those details don’t tell you is that I’ve been struggling with weeks in prayer if this move was something God wanted and was calling me to do. God was decidedly quiet and it was killing me! I sought counsel from friends and family...and all said different things: step out on faith, if God’s behind it things will fall in place smoothly....sometimes God wants us to work for it/persevere...if its worth it--its worth working for....the clichés were endless! And yet as much as I was praying and begging God for guidance, He was silent...not just to me...my mom also couldn’t say God was definitely saying for me to come or not.
Last week completely wrecked me! It stripped me of all strength, self-desires, and ambitions in life at all!! I couldn’t make up my mind at all in what I truly was going to do until I hung out with the girls on Thursday night. One of the girls asked Sarah how she could just up and move to Long Beach without even meeting AJ. She said she just knew that God was calling them to do this. I had anticipated all the struggles I would have faced in the move...and I actually looked forward to them!!! I knew the awkwardness I was feeling being the new girl that night would eventually subside...if I had one thing...if I had been called! Of all the pages to be on...if I wasn’t on that page with everyone else in the church...all of it would be more than I could bear. So as I was driving back to San Diego that night...I decided that until further notice and assurance from God...I’d stop my plans and call off the move.
I have never ever been so impressed with a ministry as I have been with Status and Origins. They have redefined for me what church can be...and I fear I’m ruined for any other ministry! I know that God is at work. Even in what appeared to be His silence...He did an amazing heart cleaning job last week. I was able to examine and get right parts of my heart that had long been overlooked. Despite me feeling like complete mush right now I know that this is exactly where I need to be to be used of God--completely dependent on God and nothing of myself remaining. I wish I could be out there being a part of this ministry...and maybe one day God will let that be...but as for now...my prayers are with them!! Although it doesn’t seem that I’ll be moving out there soon...hopefully I’ll be able to visit them often.
Please keep me in your prayers...I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now and/or where I’m supposed to go. I quit my job here in town to go out there, and although I’m confident I could get it back, I’d really like to move forward and not backward. Please pray for open doors and most importantly God’s leading in this fun stage of my life.
Thanks!
Lisa | | |
| Hey Everyone,
I’ll come straight to the point then tell ya how I got there. I’m not moving to California. I have been dreaming of getting out to California ever since I first emailed AJ (the pastor) this past March about the internship that was once being offered. When I came out in May for the first official Sunday...I could feel it in the air that something huge and important was getting started...and I wanted to be a part of it! Since May I have been doing everything I could possibly think of to try to get out there...emailing everyone I know out there. Talking to everyone here that I knew was linked to California...and spending lots of time on Craig’s list and Idealist.org trying to make arrangements for the move. Once I got the job transfer with Barnes I set out last week to secure a place to live and then shortly thereafter start my drive to a new life, ministry and circle of friends. After a long week of searching, meeting possible roommates, and after looking at several different places I found something. It was more than I could afford, but my mom said that they’d help me out. I started the preliminary paper-work and felt like I was getting somewhere.
What those details don’t tell you is that I’ve been struggling with weeks in prayer if this move was something God wanted and was calling me to do. God was decidedly quiet and it was killing me! I sought counsel from friends and family...and all said different things: step out on faith, if God’s behind it things will fall in place smoothly....sometimes God wants us to work for it/persevere...if its worth it--its worth working for....the clichés were endless! And yet as much as I was praying and begging God for guidance, He was silent...not just to me...my mom also couldn’t say God was definitely saying for me to come or not.
Last week completely wrecked me! It stripped me of all strength, self-desires, and ambitions in life at all!! I couldn’t make up my mind at all in what I truly was going to do until I hung out with the girls on Thursday night. One of the girls asked Sarah how she could just up and move to Long Beach without even meeting AJ. She said she just knew that God was calling them to do this. I had anticipated all the struggles I would have faced in the move...and I actually looked forward to them!!! I knew the awkwardness I was feeling being the new girl that night would eventually subside...if I had one thing...if I had been called! Of all the pages to be on...if I wasn’t on that page with everyone else in the church...all of it would be more than I could bear. So as I was driving back to San Diego that night...I decided that until further notice and assurance from God...I’d stop my plans and call off the move.
I have never ever been so impressed with a ministry as I have been with Status and Origins. They have redefined for me what church can be...and I fear I’m ruined for any other ministry! I know that God is at work. Even in what appeared to be His silence...He did an amazing heart cleaning job last week. I was able to examine and get right parts of my heart that had long been overlooked. Despite me feeling like complete mush right now I know that this is exactly where I need to be to be used of God--completely dependent on God and nothing of myself remaining. I wish I could be out there being a part of this ministry...and maybe one day God will let that be...but as for now...my prayers are with them!! Although it doesn’t seem that I’ll be moving out there soon...hopefully I’ll be able to visit them often.
Please keep me in your prayers...I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now and/or where I’m supposed to go. I quit my job here in town to go out there, and although I’m confident I could get it back, I’d really like to move forward and not backward. Please pray for open doors and most importantly God’s leading in this fun stage of my life.
Thanks!
Lisa | | |
| Are you serious!??! Has it really been since Jan. that I last posted?? I apologize to my loyal patrons.
Ok, so here's the latest...I'm moving to California!!!! YAY!!!! There is an awesome church being built out there, that I can't wait to join. That sounded positive didn't it? Here's the progress thus far. I have put in for a transfer with B&N to work at one out there. Hopefully there will be an opening. After a job is secured I will talk to several of my friends out there and follow thru on some of the leads I have for possible roommates. Once those two things are secure...I'm selling pretty much all of my stuff...and moving!! :) FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!
That all sounded pretty positive right?? haha Ok, now for some realism. I'm really hoping this works and I get to go...but there are a lot of factors that need to line up to make it happen. I'm praying a lot and realizing that God could shut the door at any given moment. I'm following in the tradition of Jerry by "Working as if it all depended on me...and praying as if it all depended on God". That way if and when God shuts the door...I'll have no regrets. Life is fun.
Anyways, thats whats going on with me. yay.
Later. | | |
| A word on resolutions.....be careful what you wish for!
I've noticed some crazy things about resolutions...or at least about my resolutions. I'll spare you my historical recap, and make my point with just last year's resolution. Last year I committed to a simple perspective resolution..."Its All Good." Well looking back, 2006 had some very rough elements to it! Many things seemed unnecessarily hard, and at the time of their occurrences I did not understand. This past year was The Year. I won't bore you with everything I learned about God, myself, life, and relationships...I won't talk about the unusual ways God chose to free and heal...you'll have to buy my books to get that deep inside my head.
I will say that in this season of beginnings and decisions of change...be careful, because as soon as you decide to change, all the oppositions in the world will immediately surface. If you want to loose weight, all your friends will suddenly want to go to a buffet. If you want to start exercising, you will probably become unbearably busy with work or school and won't care that working out will actually give you more energy to face the new workload. If you choose to change your views with how you encounter things, immediately you will face a trial that will challenge that decision. All I'm saying is be careful what you wish for...or in this case---resolute! For as soon as you do...your resolve will be tested and unless you defy all probabilities and actually last more that 3 days with your New Year's resolution it will be a hard road...but a beneficial one. May God bless you all in amazing ways!
Happy New Year! | | |
|
